Archive for dr shefali tsabary

Over 12,000 Kids Publicly Shamed This Year at Dick’s Last Resort

15 06 16 end shame dicksDick’s Last Resort- A restaurant chain where gruff staffers serve a Southern-style menu in a rowdy roadhouse environment.

According to a Star Tribune article Ralph McCrackin, the company’s president said, “We’re colorful, but not off-color. We’re irreverent, but not rude.” You decide.

Public Shaming of a Child at Dick’s Last Resort on June 14, 2015:

A waitress runs out to the middle of the restaurant with a roll of Saran Wrap and grabs a boy, probably about 6, who had been standing on his chair.  She pulls his chair out to the middle of the aisle for everyone to see.  She then starts Saran Wrapping him to the chair, with the help of his mom who is holding him down so he can’t get away.  He is struggling to break free.  Is this supposed to be funny?

The Shaming Continues

Around and around she goes.  My heart is beating in my chest.  I want to get up and push the waitress out-of-the-way and rip off the Saran Wrap.  I’m ashamed to say I sat still in my chair stunned by this entire scene.

His arms are fighting against the wrap which gets thicker and more impossible with each loop the waitress makes.  He’s heaving his chest to try to get out, his face turning red.  Finally realizing he’s not getting he makes a mental shift.  I can see it.

Just like the kid at school who has been labeled with a hurtful nickname often chooses to disguise his pain with laughter, this boy decides if he can’t get out he might as well show he doesn’t care.

All the adults around are laughing.  The mom is taking pictures.  His sister, probably 8, looks distressed.  She runs up to try to help him and thinks better of it.  She doesn’t want to be the next one.  She runs back to her chair.

It doesn’t stop there.  The waitress then tips his chair backwards once he is securely strapped to the chair. His back is now lying on the floor feet upwards to the ceiling.  The waiters come by and start covering him up with piles of paper napkins which were lying on the floor after being thrown just moments before to celebrate someone’s birthday.

Finally the waitress, with a nod of approval from the boy’s mother, takes an orange sharpie marker and draws a mustache on his little face and brings his chair back to an upright position.  The ‘fun’ is over.  For now.  Until they do it to another kid.

In 2013 I was here too. The same thing happened and the boy didn’t laugh.  He cried.  I found another video posted back in 2010 with over 73K views titled Dick’s Child Abuse.  Scroll through to about 8 minutes in and you’ll see the same thing.  That was over 5 years ago!

 

Standing Up and Speaking Up

After the boy was released, I got up from my chair and walked over to his table.  I bent down and gave him a hug and said, “Are you okay? My girls were scared for you.”  I spoke briefly to his mother and as we were leaving asked to speak to the manager, Mikey.

As Mikey and I stepped outside to get away from the noise, the words that came out were calm and confident.  This is a brief summary of our talk.

“Thanks for your time.  I wanted to let you know that as a professional who works with families, the Saran Wrapping of a child, which I’ve seen happen twice now, is totally unacceptable and upset not just me but my children as well.  Is this endorsed by your corporate offices?”

“Yes.  A parent has to approve of it.  We allow for a pie to be thrown in their child’s face or to have them Saran Wrapped.”

“Oh.  So the parent said this was okay?”

“Yes.  We asked her first.”

“Well does the child also have to agree to it?  I’m assuming they do.”

“No.  It’s done with the parent’s approval.”

“I’m not sure if you noticed but that boy was not having fun.  He clearly was trying to break free while everyone else stood by laughing.  Is that entertainment? I’m sure he didn’t’ think so.”

“Again it is the mother who agreed to have it done.”

“Did you know that would be considered public shaming?”

“I didn’t.”

“There is a movement I’m involved with right now to end public shaming of children.  That’s why I felt it was so important to talk with you.  Every week children are harming and even killing themselves due to treatment like this.  In fact I just wrote about a girl named Izabel Laxamana whose father cut off her hair as discipline. Video-taped it, and uploaded it to YouTube.  A few days later she committed suicide.”

“I had no idea.”

“Well I am working with people like Dr. Shefali Tsabary to help end this type of acceptance of public shaming of children and I wanted to be sure you knew how this affected me personally as a patron of your restaurant, how damaging it is to the child and how it is perpetuating this idea that publicly shaming a child is okay.”

I handed her my business card.  She said she’d write it up in her nightly review.  It’s been a few days and I still haven’t heard back.  I bet we will soon if we ban together!

It’s time to #endshame @DickSez. Over 12,000 kids a year shamed at your restaurant says @uofmoms! http://bit.ly/endshame <===Click to Tweet

The Shaming In Numbers

I looked up Dick’s Last Resort and there are 17 locations.  Let’s assume they Saran Wrap two kids a day every day of the year.  That would be 2 kids a day x 17 location x 365 days a year = 12,410 kids a year they are publicly shaming with the permission of the parent.  I’m guessing it’s more than that.

Let’s go one step further.  12,410 kids a year being shamed and let’s say there are 100 people in the restaurant at the time this occurs that would be 12,410 kids x 100 patrons viewing per wrap = 1,241,000 onlookers who are doing nothing but laughing, maybe feeling uncomfortable and then walking right back out the door.

OVER A MILLION PEOPLE!

That’s crazy.  One million people a year who are witnessing public shaming of kids in a restaurant where they are paying for food.  I am choosing to be one in a million people who will speak up.  Will you?

Public Shaming Epidemic as Seen at Dick’s Last Stand:

PROBLEM 1.  Dick’s Last Stand corporate office endorses the shaming of children in their restaurants.

PROBLEM 2.  Parents are agreeing to the public shaming of their children.

PROBLEM 3.  Over one million onlookers a year for the past 30 years have done nothing to stop this.

We as a society need to ban together to educate ourselves and empower our children. Join us to raise awareness of public shaming and put an end to it.

Be a Powerful Parent who Chooses Solutions to End Public Shaming:

SOLUTION 1.  Refuse to speak or post negatively of your child online.  Choose private conversations and support as your tools of building a more connected and conscious family environment.  Sign up for our free Conscious Parent Mini-Series if you need help.

SOLUTION 2. Stand up and speak up.  When you see public shaming online or in person be proactive.  It’s our responsibility to advocate for children.  If not you, then who?

SOLUTION 3. Join our #endshame movement by tweeting in support of ending the public shaming of children.  Share inspiring quotes.  Share statistics and facts as you learn them.  Share positive pictures of parenting.  This is where our collective education will start.  Check back often to retweet and reply.

It’s time to #endshame @DickSez. Over 12,000 kids a year shamed at your restaurant says @uofmoms! http://bit.ly/endshame <===Click to Tweet

SOLUTION 4.  Watch this very important video message from Dr. Shefali Tsabary.

As Dr. Seuss says so profoundly, “The time has come, the time is now, just go #endshame, I don’t care how!”  Or something like that.

Please comment below and let’s start talking about this.  Share this article on your Facebook page.  Let’s do our part to end the public shaming of kids.

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The Tragic Suicide of Izabel Laxamana and 3 Ways to Parent More Consciously Online

15 06 05 Posting Positive PicsI used to spank my kids.  I remember putting soap in their mouths.  I remember saying to my husband in a moment of exasperation, “If they don’t obey me at 3 they’ll never obey me at 13!”

Jim was always more conscious than me.  When I was at the end of my rope, he would gently take Molly in his arms and she’d melt.  I guess my time-outs and ‘discipline’ weren’t working but at the time I thought his ‘giving in’ was doing the damage.  Thank goodness Facebook didn’t exist.  Or YouTube.  Or social media at all.  What happened at home wasn’t publicized.

Then conscious parenting change everything for me and my family in 2010.  Dr. Shefali literally saved me and I am forever indebted.  Being a new life coach and having done a lot of personal growth work in other areas I was still parenting traditionally.  Meaning: “Do what I say.  Now.”

Learning that our children are a spiritual gift to help us grow up was revolutionary to me.  I started seeing how my ego was getting in the way.  How my need to be right had damaged relationships throughout my life.  How thinking my child’s behavior was a reflection of me had me trapped.  Little by little I started letting go.  I judged less and loved more.  I looked for ways to connect and not control.

Dr. Shefali posted a heart-wrenching article on Facebook yesterday which has been the topic of much conversation.  It starts out with this tragic paragraph:

“Izabel Laxamana, a 13-year-old girl in Tacoma, Washington died by suicide after jumping off a highway overpass on Friday, May 29. Days before, Laxamana’s father Jeff had reportedly punished her for an unspecified transgression by cutting off her hair and uploading a video to YouTube. There’s now a controversy brewing online and among the girl’s friends and family over whether the video caused her death.”

How can this happen?  Yet it does happen.  There are blogs that encourage you to post pictures of your children when they are throwing tantrums. There are moms who write sarcastically of their children’s dramatic behavior and think it’s funny. Publicly shaming your child?  Since when was funny?  Never.  That’s when.  Dr. Shefali said in a recent text thread that suicide from public shaming is happening almost every other week!  That is insanity which must be stopped.

Think about this for a minute.  Once something is online it is PERMANENT.  There is no way to take it back.  What happens when your child grows up and reads your blog or sees the pictures and videos you are posting of them?  How will they feel?  Did you ever stop to think about that?  What are you hoping to gain by sharing their mistakes?  Would you want me to come and publicly record you the next time you are senselessly yelling at your child or worse?  Of course not. None of us would.

Rather than pointing a finger I’d like to suggest a solution.  Here are 3 simple ways we can all commit to parenting more conscious online:

  1. Remember you are not perfect- This can go a very very long way. Humble yourself and extend the same grace you would hope to receive to your children.  There is NO WAY your children will NOT make mistakes.  This is part of life for all of us.  Conscious parenting embraces mistakes as an opportunity to learn and grow.  It’s a chance to connect with your child.  Create a teachable moment free of judgement.  Think right now of the ideal way you would hope someone would treat you when you mess up and then act that way towards your child.
  2. Commit to only positive comments and posting– I remember my sister used to keep a journal where she would only record all the things she loved about her day. Great people she met.  Places she went.  Things that surprised her.  What a great way to create memories that focus on the positive.  What if we did that for our child.  Keep a journal of all the things you love about them.  Only post positive moments and comments about your children online.  Make it a discipline to see life through this filter and keep your conversation with your child mainly focused on what a wonderful person they are.
  3. Commit to consciously choosing the blogs and books you read– Your eyes are the window to the soul. Don’t allow your eyes to feast on negativity.  Sarcastic and negative jesting about children is not worth your time.  Keep your energy and attention focused on who you want to be and hang around with people online who also share these same values.  I have loved every second of Sandra’s Conscious Parent blog.  Support Patrice and the amazing work she is doing in the world.  Dr. Shefali is a pioneer.  Follow her everywhere she goes.  Suzi and her husband Jami shine so brightly.  Meghan, The Prof Mom, is one to follow too!  These are women you want to choose to be around as much as possible.

There is so much more.  Too much to share here.  Read The Conscious Parent if you haven’t already.  Take our free conscious parenting mini-course to learn more.  Transform yourself through the gift of your child.  Awaken to the beautiful perfectness that is standing right in front of you with messy hair and crusted oatmeal on their face.  Then day-by-day, week-by-week you will see the light of consciousness growing in you and spreading outward to others.

My heart goes out to the Laxamana family for the devastating loss of Izabel and to all children who feel isolated and unheard.  We will do our best to help your parents see that your life is their biggest spiritual blessing.  You are the one they have been waiting for their whole lives to help them grow up.

We love you all and pray for those, like your father, Izabel, who are living unconsciously and who are hurting those around them.  May your light and legacy continue to shine and help others as we bring your story to the world to help make it a more conscious place for everyone to live together.

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My Conscious Parenting Journey

Photo May 18, 7 20 07 PM

My Parenting Journey:

From 2001-2009 I was that parent I swore I would never be.  I was a yeller.  I was frustrated.  I was overwhelmed.  I wanted to be better but frankly I didn’t know how.  I’d look at my kids as they were sleeping with those peaceful angelic faces and say, “Tomorrow…yes tomorrow…I will enjoy each moment.  Tomorrow, I won’t rush so much.  Tomorrow I won’t lose my patience.”

Then tomorrow came and you know the story.

So after I ended up running myself into such a rut, I finally got help.  First for myself.  Then, well, for myself again.  It went something like this, if I could simplify it to such a degree.

STAGE 1- The Misery:

1) I was a tired SAHM of 3 girls under the age of 5.

2) I was overwhelmed and frequently took it out on my girls.

3) I felt lost in my life, had an affair and almost ended up divorced.

This led to some awesome stuff.

STAGE 2- The Awakening:

1) I learned that it’s okay to take care of myself, first.

2) I learned how to let go of guilt and stop focusing on perfection.

3) I learned how to stop being a people-pleaser and a victim and started focusing on creating a life I wanted to live.

This led to some more awesome stuff:

STAGE 3- The Application

1) I realized that change was up to me, not anyone else.

2) I decided that I wanted to be a better woman, wife and mother and that I wanted others to join this journey with me, so I became a life coach.

3) I started working with others to help them through the Awakening stage and also found The Conscious Parent in 2010.

Now I’ll be the first to tell you I am NOT a parenting expert.  I am a parent and educator.  

I am always open to learning and growing.  One day as I was dreaming about publishing companies, I came across Namaste Publishing.  By a matter of chance (if you believe in that…I don’t) I found this book, The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary and was so intrigued by it, I pre-ordered it.

Once I received it, I devoured it, and devoured it again.  I started practicing the principles in my home and watched in awe as the environment changed.

My home was more peaceful.  My girls were more communicative. I was more patient and relaxed.  I stop focusing on perfectionism and instead focused on building healthy relationships based on mutual respect.  I learned how to set boundaries with love and also to allow for natural consequence.

You see, this was all a result of Conscious Parenting, and it was the healing balm my family needed.

I reached out to Dr. Shefali and introduced myself.  I asked her question after question.  I was using her book to coach clients in my office.  I was so passionate about her work that I wrote a workbook as a companion to her book, which Constance, the founder of Namaste, approved for use in the courses I began teaching in my area.

I did this to help others see what I saw.  

So if this sounds like something you’d like to learn, if this sounds like an approach to parenting that might just trump a traditional top down parenting-style you might like to explore Conscious Parenting and see if it can do for you what I did for me, and my family.

I am forever grateful for the work of Dr. Shefali Tsabary.  I am grateful that she was able to verbalize this in a way that we can use.  I am grateful that she is willing to be a pioneer in the very opinionated and rocky world of parenting experts.  Her work is a huge part of the shift we all are making on this road to greater self-awareness.

Join us for this 4-week Conscious Parenting Course.

Take it one step at a time.  Go at your own pace.  The course starts when you’re ready and will be delivered to you by email once a week for 4 weeks.  You will need your own copy of The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali.  You will receive a complimentary workbook, which you can only receive by joining this course.

Plus we are over on Facebook in a group that is open for discussion of the Conscious Parent approach.  We are a warm and welcoming group of parents who want to do what is best for our children and for ourselves too.  We want to transform ourselves through our parenting and we are supportive of you as you transform too.  No judgment here.

It all starts with you making a choice to do something different and be the parent you really, deep down, know you can be.  

We love you and hope to see you in the group!  Once you join make sure you introduce yourself and tell us a bit about you and your child and we’ll be happy to help you.

Register Now Ticket

 

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